Only Dead on the Inside Read online

  Praise for Only Dead on the Inside

  “The quintessential guide on the topic. It will make you laugh; it will make you think; it will make you wonder the barter value of your children in case things get crazy. You need this book if you wanna live.”

  —Kevin Sussman, actor on the hit

  CBS sitcom The Big Bang Theory

  “I have to admit: I giggled.”

  —Jessica Lahey, New York Times bestselling

  author of The Gift of Failure

  “At first I was like, ‘Oh, great, another hilarious parenting book written by a viral internet sensation. Just what the world doesn’t need.’ But then I finally read Only Dead on the Inside and realized this was a hilarious parenting book by a viral internet sensation with zombies and I was like, ‘I was wrong. The world does need this!’ You’ll chortle, you’ll chuckle, and you might even learn something.”

  —Jen Mann, New York Times bestselling author of People

  I Want to Punch in the Throat: Competitive Crafters,

  Drop-Off Despots, and Other Suburban Scourges

  “This guide to parenting through the apocalypse is so darkly hilarious, you don’t even need to be a parent or have experienced an apocalypse to enjoy it.”

  —Liz Climo, artist for The Simpsons, author, and

  creator of viral comics on lizclimo.tumblr.com

  “Are you a parent of cute, selfish, tiny people who look like you but don’t pay rent, destroy your sleep, inspire homicidal thoughts, and shatter your self-confidence daily? Do you need help to survive this crisis? (Yes, yes you do.) Long-suffering parent, you must immediately read James Breakwell’s hilarious, fast-paced, and practical book chock-full of wisdom, to-do lists, rules, and big pie charts and graphs. Breakwell not only taught me how to survive the madness of parenthood, but also how to protect my babies from becoming undead, crawling, brain-eating monsters in diapers after the inevitable zombie apocalypse.”

  —Wajahat Ali, speaker and New York Times op-ed contributor

  “This book is hilarious! I couldn’t put it down (out of fear for my life and that of future generations). This guide is the ultimate weapon against fighting zombies, which is the scariest prospect second only to parenting. I would put this novel in the self-help section with a seal of Oprah’s approval, because not only does it help you live your best life, it finally gives you a good reason for owning that cumbersome stroller.”

  —Abbi Crutchfield, stand-up comedian and

  host of You Can Do Better on truTV

  “The case is made for why parents will be the ultimate survivors of the Zombie Apocalypse. Whether it’s using the ‘unreliability of your children to your advantage’ or benefitting from the enmity a normal game of Monopoly can conjure, Breakwell pulls everyday scenarios for parents and hilariously weaponizes them for your survival. Plus, any book that uses the phrase ‘catastrophic bowel movements’ is a book I want to read.”

  —Patrick Quinn, cofounder of Life of Dad,

  a social network for fathers

  “I never laugh out loud and this book is so funny I stopped reading to drag my family members in to read paragraphs to them but I’d do a terrible job of reading because I kept giggling about what I was reading. It’s kind of about zombies, more about parenting, but mostly a reason to write one hilarious sentence after the next. James Breakwell is so good at being funny that it kind of makes me angry, but then I’d read another page and laugh like an idiot again. You need this book.”

  —Quinn Cummings, author of Notes from the

  Underwire and The Year of Learning Dangerously

  “James Breakwell is the Dr. Spock of the apocalypse and his no-nonsense guide to raising happy, healthy kids as the world spirals into blood-soaked chaos and unspeakable brain-eating horror belongs in every home. When the undead come knocking, you’ll burn all your other parenting books for fuel. Breakwell gives you the real-world, end-of-world strategies that you simply won’t find anywhere else. Your family will survive and even thrive in the zombie apocalypse while parents who bought guides to raising gifted kids go down in the first wave. Wouldn’t you rather have this book and not need it, than need it not have it?”

  —Eileen Curtright, author of The Burned

  Bridges of Ward, Nebraska

  “If the only line in this book was, ‘The fat shall inherit the earth,’ I would still urgently recommend this book because it will have validated my entire existence. But even if you are a naturally skinny asshole whose thighs have never touched, you need this book. Because for once, your time will not be wasted worrying about fake threats like Putin and ISIS, but the very real threat of the undead coming to suck on your scrawny bones. Which doesn’t sound so terrible if you’re exhausted from raising the living parasites you birthed, but trust me, this isn’t about you. It’s not even about your thankless progeny. It’s about saving the little bloodsuckers that call you Mom and Dad from being bitten by zombies in order to ensure the future of the human race. Which is a debatable end goal, too, so strike that. Read this book because it will make you giggle uncontrollably, cry like no one’s watching, and wonder if becoming a zombie isn’t so bad after all. Eighteen stars. Highly recommended.”

  —Rabia Chaudry, attorney and New York Times

  bestselling author of Adnan’s Story: The Search

  for Truth and Justice After Serial

  Copyright © 2017 by James Breakwell

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.

  BenBella Books, Inc.

  10440 N. Central Expressway, Suite 800

  Dallas, TX 75231

  www.benbellabooks.com

  Send feedback to [email protected]

  First E-Book Edition: October 2017

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Names: Breakwell, James, author.

  Title: Only dead on the inside : a parent’s guide to the zombie apocalypse / James Breakwel.

  Description: Dallas, TX : BenBella Books, Inc., [2017] | Includes bibliographical references and index.

  Identifiers: LCCN 2017008274 (print) | LCCN 2017025322 (ebook) | ISBN 9781944648640 (electronic) | ISBN 9781944648633 (trade paper : alk. paper)

  Subjects: LCSH: Zombies—Humor. | Parenting—Humor.

  Classification: LCC PN6231.Z65 (ebook) | LCC PN6231.Z65 B73 2017 (print) | DDC 818/.602—dc23

  LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2017008274

  Editing by Leah Wilson

  Copyediting by James Fraleigh

  Proofreading by Kimberly Broderick and Rachel Phares

  Text design and composition by Aaron Edmiston

  Front cover design by Ty Nowicki

  Full cover design by Ivy Koval

  Author photograph by David Van Deman

  Printed by Versa Press

  Distributed by Perseus Distribution

  www.perseusdistribution.com

  To place orders through Perseus Distribution:

  Tel: (800) 343-4499

  Fax: (800) 351-5073

  E-mail: [email protected]

  Special discounts for bulk sales (minimum of 25 copies) are available.

  Please contact Aida Herrera at [email protected].

  To my wife and kids, for letting me tell the truth.

  And countless lies.

  To everyone who ever read my jokes on the internet,

  this is all your fault.

  CONTENTS

  Welcome to the End

  CHAPTER 1:The Best Bad Day of Your Life

  CHAPTER 2:Kamikaze Kids

 
CHAPTER 3:Eat or Be Eaten

  CHAPTER 4:What’s Yours Is Mine

  CHAPTER 5:Going the Distance

  CHAPTER 6:Hide and Go Weep

  CHAPTER 7:Pacify This

  CHAPTER 8:Strolling for Trouble

  CHAPTER 9:The Home Front

  CHAPTER 10:You Are the Law

  CHAPTER 11:So You Have to Cut Off Your Arm

  CHAPTER 12:Driving Off into the Sunset

  The End of the End

  Acknowledgments

  About the Author

  WELCOME TO THE END

  If you’re reading this, congratulations: You’re still alive. Only uninfected humans can read. Illiteracy is one of the worst side effects of zombieism, second only to the insatiable hunger for human flesh. In those places where school is still in session, the undead will have a devastating effect on standardized test scores. If you’re a zombie, you’re no doubt looking at this page with confused disinterest. Perhaps you’ll bite it in the fleeting hope it might be edible, only to be disappointed. If it makes you feel better, people who read it will have the same reaction. Letting people down is what I do best. I’m a dad.

  It’s not easy being a parent these days. There are bills to pay, children to feed, and hordes of undead monsters to keep at bay. How a person juggles these duties separates a good provider from a dead one. Make no mistake: The zombie apocalypse is real. If it hasn’t reached you yet, it’s on its way as surely as autumn follows summer or regret follows vodka. As the unstoppable masses of undead march forward, national governments will crumble and local leaders will flee. Only the basic family unit will survive. In the anarchy of the post-apocalyptic world, parents will be the highest-ranking authority figures by default. That thought is more terrifying than any walking corpse. Once the zombie apocalypse begins in earnest, the fate of the world will rest on your spit-up–covered shoulders. Now is a good time to panic.

  That’s why this book matters. There are lots of guides out there about how to survive when the dead walk the earth. All of them assume readers are young, fit, and unencumbered by miniature versions of themselves. According to that scenario, the only humans left will be smug, outdoorsy Millennials. Even without the zombies, that’s the textbook definition of hell on earth.

  But contrary to what Generation Y will tell you, children are kind of important. Without them, the human race will go extinct. Homo sapiens have passed their genes from one generation to the next through eons of ice ages, plagues, and wars. It seems ungrateful to throw in the towel now because of one measly zombie apocalypse.

  For the human race to survive, children must survive. And for them to make it, moms and dads have to up their game.

  They don’t have to be the best parents in the world. They just have to be slightly less crappy parents than normal. Quite frankly, that still might be asking too much. Even in the best of times, most of us barely get by. Modern moms and dads wear many hats, mostly to hide our stress-induced hair loss. Parents are breadwinners, chauffeurs, maintenance workers, playmates, enforcers, and coaches. Throw in a worldwide epidemic that makes people eat each other, and there’s very little chance anyone will make it to soccer practice on time. None of these jobs will get easier after the world ends—except maybe coaching. A win is a win, even when the other team forfeits because it was eaten by zombies.

  TAG-TEAMING THE APOCALYPSE

  Raising children is a two-parent job, and that’s doubly true in the zombie apocalypse. Unfortunately, most children don’t have four parents. Kids will have to get by with however many guardians they have left, which will usually be somewhere between zero and two. I’m not here to judge which type of living arrangement is best for kids. That leads to drama, which is noisy and gets people eaten. I try to keep casualties to a minimum.

  It’s hard to define a modern family even when the dead aren’t walking the earth. For the purposes of this guide, a family is any group of individuals who band together to keep children alive. That can include any combination of moms, dads, stepparents, grandparents, sketchy people met on the road, wolves that find and raise babies, balls with bloody handprints on them, and talking smartphone interfaces. I envy anyone who gets to co-parent with Siri.

  This diversity makes it impossible to address every type of family without leaving someone out. I don’t have time to rewrite every paragraph sixteen different ways to point out how a family with two dads might handle a situation differently than a family with a single mom and a volleyball. Unless my publisher decides to pay me by the word, in which case I’ll do exactly that. You’ll know I went that route if this book is twice as thick as the Bible.

  But if this book is a reasonable thickness, I kept things simple and addressed my advice toward a family with one mom and one dad. If that doesn’t describe your household, swap the pronouns or number of parents in your head and it’ll still work. Or pay someone to go through the book with a marker and change it for you. There are a lot of starving editors on the streets. Help a few of them feed their children tonight.

  REALITY CHECK

  The old challenges of everyday life will vanish the instant zombies show up—but not one second sooner. That’s one of the biggest obstacles parents face that other survival guides overlook: Ordinary life will continue until the moment it ends for good. There won’t be a transition period when moms and dads can quit their jobs, cash out their kids’ college funds, and spend six months digging a bunker out in the desert. There will be bills to pay right up to the second civilization collapses and money loses all value forever. Then millions of greenbacks won’t be worth as much as a single serving of beans. That’s why you should toss a few extra cans in your cart every time you go to the grocery store. Someday you’ll be the richest person in the world.

  Until that time, however, vigilant parents will face skeptics who think preparing for the zombie apocalypse is wasteful at best and dangerous at worst. Don’t worry. Those naysayers will die in the first wave. There’s no sweeter revenge than natural selection.

  There’s another reason why, as a parent, you can’t drop everything to get ready for zombies, no matter how sure you are that the end is near. You must maintain a semblance of normality to avoid scaring your children and destroying your marriage. While there are occasional exceptions, at least one spouse in every relationship is firmly against dipping into the family budget to pursue the paranoid delusions of a selfish man-child. That last part may or may not be a direct quote from my wife. When I slipped on that wedding ring, I got more than a partner for life; I gained a standing veto to all my best schemes. Marriage has a built-in system of checks and balances. The checks aren’t so much like Congress checking a president as they are like one hockey player checking another into a wall. It hurts, but it’s also a wakeup call—assuming you ever wake up.

  HOW THIS BOOK WORKS

  This book guides parents through the unique child-rearing challenges of the zombie apocalypse. If you don’t believe in zombies, you might still find this book entertaining. It’ll help you pass the time until the undead eat you. Before you die, you might even pick up a tip or two on how to raise children when zombies aren’t around. That’s not my goal. Any normal parenting lessons you learn from this book are strictly accidental.

  This guide uses several methods to teach parents about surviving the zombie apocalypse:

  WORDS

  In a novel approach no one ever thought of before, I converted thoughts from my head into strings of text on paper. By reading those words, you’ll download my ideas directly into your mind. I arrayed these brain codes as horizontal lines throughout this book. Read them left to right, moving down a line after completing each one. Blink as necessary. Don’t worry if my thoughts give you a headache. That happens all the time to my wife.

  COMICS

  These three-panel stories illustrate lessons about raising kids around zombies. Sometimes, they pertain directly to the text of this book. Other times, well, they don’t. Give me a break. I had a lot of blank space to fill
.

  The art style of these comics is deliberately Spartan. Beautiful, detailed images would be too distracting. I don’t want your eyes to linger on a stunning, emotionally complex image when a zombie could sneak up behind you at any moment. Also, I suck at drawing and this is legitimately the best I could do. I can’t believe people paid money for this book.

  GRAPHS

  Numbers are scary. Math might not bite you and turn you into an undead monster, but it can ruin your chances of getting into medical school and turn you into a struggling humor writer for the rest of your life. Not that I’m bitter or anything. To make the data in this book more user-friendly, I broke it down into colorful charts and graphs. Each one offers in-depth statistical information I made up off the top of my head. But every bit of it is true because it’s published right here. You can’t lie in a book. I think it’s illegal.

  DO’S AND DON’TS

  Despite being a straightforward concept, a zombie survival guide for parents is still a hard idea for some people to wrap their heads around. Just ask the dozens and dozens of people who gave me blank stares when I pitched this book. My ideas are the world’s leading cause of awkward silences.

  To help everyone who still doesn’t get where I’m going with this, I’ve made a list of dos and don’ts to walk you through it. That’s right: There’s a guide for this zombie guide. If you fail to understand that, there is no guide for the guide for the guide. You’ll have to wing it.

  Do reference this book when you need quick, concise information on how to survive a specific zombie situation.

  Don’t read this book while being actively attacked by zombies.No book is worth dying for. Except the one that came down to us from a higher power. I’m talking, of course, about Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. J. K. Rowling be with you.